How To Spot A Psychopath

My little photo session for the Kittenwar book I just reviewed was somewhat delayed…

…because there were cats in the way.

Millie finds the photo tent quite cosy.

(The other one is Joey, who features in the sparky video here.)

Another of those thesaurusised porno spams arrived, with the puzzling subject line “lascivious yez Cyprians rmpp Masturbates!”

So now I know that “Cyprian” is not just an archaic word for a resident of Cyprus, but is also an old term for “a lewd or licentious person, esp. a prostitute”.

It’s not, I grant you, as useful a word as “catamite” for everyday abuse of the deserving, but it’s diverting nonetheless.

(Modern definitions of “catamite” are a bit colourless, if you ask me. I much prefer the succinct old Oxford definition, “a sodomite’s minion”. The 1913 Webster’s opted for “a boy kept for unnatural purposes”, which left the details of the poor fellow’s everyday life alarmingly hazy.)

The author of a different spam was pleased to inform me that after using certain suggestively-named pills for seven months, “now my shaft is extremely weightier than civil”.

I think there’s something in that for all of us, don’t you?

Date: Sun, 29 Jul 2007 17:40:09 +0000
From: “Kiite Karl Igho”
Subject: Interested Supplier Needed

Interested Supplier Needed

Hi How you doing… In respect to your Add which i searched via google.. I’m interested in it .. what is the present Condition. The products are to be Supplied to the Government of Bangledash. Pls Quote Best price. We need Office Material. We have been Given a quota to Supply Office Equipment. And total price must not Exceed 3.9 Mission USD. Pls, We will be glad if you don’t sell kindly forward our message to anyone you know is in Such Business.

Thanks and Hope to read from you Soon.

Kiite Doris Karl
WInTEch Sales
singwitme02@netzero.net
www.wintechsaleshome.1hwy.com
wintechsaleshome@netzero.net

“3.9 Mission USD” is pretty good, but “the Government of Bangledash” is just fantastic.

Well played, credit-card scammer whose name is alleged to contain at least the words “Kiite” and “Karl”! Well played!

Frankly, this enormous Metal Gear Solid 4 gameplay demonstration video (Australian direct download link for iiNet customers here) would be quite hilarious even if it weren’t for Snake’s incredibly-well-defined buttocks.

But they, and the little dancing robot, push it to a whole new level.

Hideo seems very serious about it all, but I’ve no idea what he’s actually saying (beyond stuff like “aru-P-G” as he whips out an antitank launcher…), so I can’t be sure. I presume there’s a simply excellent explanation of Snake interrupting his murderous pursuits to check out a girlie mag.

Ben Goldacre’s piece on the new Lancet marijuana-and-mental-illness meta-analysis (previously mentioned on his site here), and the typically inept media attention it’s attracted, is worth reading just for the headline.

I belive “Blah blah cannabis blah blah blah” was actually one of Cypress Hill’s later albums.

I rely on spam for my daily dose of randomness. Whether it’s the smattering of apparently genuine (or maybe just address-testing) messages about adopting adorable puppies on the other side of the world that I received a week or so ago, or the numerous opportunities to build a collection of Korean-made railway rolling stock, old freighters registered in Panama and, of course, Chinese pumps, the less common flavours of spam give my inbox a pleasingly gonzo edge.

Recent examples:

An outfit called ByteShark, previously chiefly notable for its very plausible claims of a cure for baldness, has now decided to become some sort of “visual content” search engine.

I think you’re meant to be able to upload a picture from your computer and find Web pages with similar pictures on them, or something, but all the search seems to do at the moment is take an incredibly long time (while showing you an ad for the baldness remedy!), and then turn up a bunch of severely sub-Google-Images results. If you upload an image, ByteShark appears to be very good at finding other images that resemble it in no way whatsoever.

The best part about the e-mail, though, was that it was sent to me, because Byteshark had brilliantly decided that since dansdata.com is hosted by SecureWebs, I must be the contact address not for securewebs.com, but specifically for shop.securewebs.com, which is the server that delivers the little “Hosted By” image on the bottom of dansdata.com pages. Which ByteShark now indexes. Hurrah!

It’s OK to play around with exciting new search engine paradigms. Just don’t start spamming people about your revolutionary product until it can at least pretend to work.

(UPDATE: Just now, on the 24th of October 2007, ByteShark have sent me another copy of the exact same announcement message.)

Example two:

I’ve always enjoyed the interminable politico-religious screeds that some people spam. Fair enough; you can’t wait for people to discover your 500-kilobyte one-page Geocities site when the fate of Christendom, or something, hangs in the balance.
Here’s something I got yesterday. I hope you’re sitting comfortably.

  mr. dan,

 

     I was looking for computer check meters, I got your message on google images, saying , the meter told me that and reached you,

here what I have written to a computer software specialist, same for you. In the last my complete introduction.

:

   Dear mr. mansoor,

   sql server magazine,

  

 

       I append below my general information for your kind perusal

   It was good to see the name, mansoor, as my brother’s name is

   also mansoor and he is settled in  southafrica.  I would be glad to know  your origin.  I have a question,

 

    how to put a sign-in seal , that would create a link between a certain

   computer cpu, and yahoo.  I have got many accounts closed. so I complained to hong kong arbitration centre.

 

   what do you think a sign-in seal means authorised access by yahoo

to a certain computer, and what if firewall is put on, will sign-in seal

be created, or we should remove the firewall first and then , sign-in

seal could be made.  I was unable to put a sign-in seal, to prevent

password theft.  However my password was
not stolen, yahoo company officials have been frequently closing my e.mail accounts.

 

  I knew about yourself, that you are founder and chief technology officer of  I S P R I N G.  My introduction is appended below.

 

  munsifrasool_007@yahoo.com

  pakistan

 

  

 

 

  My name: Munsif rasool, s/o Late ghulam rasool

  surname: 
Babbar,

  comp. NIC NO: 41303-1480967-9 issued from Pakistan’s

                                national database authority.

 

  education:  commerce graduate

 

Deasirs/mam,

 

   I am munsif rasoo, aged 37, and former agricultural developmentbank employee.  I worked for this bank from  17-5-95 to 30-8-2002.  During my service tenure in the year 1997,98, I wrote some direct requests to the
authorities of bank for legitimate purposes, to which bank responded, and I got the due advantages from bank.  In the month of februaray-2001, security guards of army run company called sms security, fought outside first women bank ltd, gul centre branch, Hyderabad, and they later got a complaint registered at cantonment police station, saddar, hyderabad.  I was later removed from the service on the pretext that I defamed the image of the bank.

 

  However, I explained my position with regard to all the allegations levelled against me, explaining that why would I go to a police station to get a complaint registered, so that image of agricultural bank should be defamed.

 

  In the month of august-2002 some conspirators ignoring head office instructions issued to audit zone-10, hyderabad, where I was posted,

came up with old matters and turned them into allegations that I wrote direct
requests to head office.  On the contrary matters of the past had settled in past.

 

  The bank, outside where , sms company security guards made the hue and cry and made scuffle, are still in first women bank ltd, opposite , pakistan airforce recruitment and selection centre, saddar, hyderabad. And the woman named iffat bashir who was manager, at the time of scuffle outside first women bank ltd, gul centre branch, has now joined united bank ltd, of his excellency sheikh nahyan bin m,abarak al-nahyan. a renowned industrialist of abudhabi.  she joined this bank in the month of april-2004.  In the month of june-2004, I also received a letter from the head office of united bank ltd, karachi.  The sender was one mr. shahid habibullah, div. head, hum,an resources.  He said that my cv had been included in computer database, as and when opportunity arose , I would be contacted.  I kept wandering around the UBL,
regional head quarter for three years, but I could never get the job of even marketeer.

 

  Hundreds of people were seen in the two branches of united bank ltd, i.e. gul centre branch and civic centrebranch, but some terrorists started terrorism and they onceagain started to fight.

 

  That I am a poor and orphan, I was looking for a job to support my research activities, and goons from mohajir mafia started to get jobs in this bank.

 

  I received a valid letter no.ps/DH/RCD/278,  21-6-2004, for a permanent post in united bank ltd, but terrorists started to threaten me, and I started to send a case against this bank to UAE and the newspapers of other countries.

 

  I have made hectic efforts to get my job in agricultural bank back, but nepotism, and hostitlity never go, and I became a victium of hostility.

 

  my father was regional manager, Agricultural development bank of pakistan , he passed away in the month of nov.1991, my mother also passed away in the month of may-1995, and now after august-2002 I am on roads and streets to find a source of income.  What it turned out to be later, I have drafted a complete report against the psyche of pakistanis in the banks and other govt. institutions, please read this report at     munsifrasool_007@yahoo.com

 

munsif_55@yahoo.com, because when I started to send my report to the newspapers of other muslim countries , I started to find my e.mail accounts to be closed.  Hoping that someone gracious, and generous will help an educated person.

 

 

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com

It’s not often that you get spam with this sort of clarity:

From: “Hayes, Bryan”
To: dan@dansdata.com
Date: Sat, 30 Jun 2007 03:08:14 -0500
Subject: Message subject

Message subject

%CUSTOM_CONTENT

%CUSTOM_BIZLINK

Bryan Hayes

%CUSTOM_QUOTE

Regrettably, there was no X-Mailer line with the name of a spamming program in it, so we don’t get to know (possibly after some detective work) with what software “Brian” failed to fill in the form before clicking the “Send 100,000,000 e-mails” button.

(The sending server was, according to ancient tradition, a Chinanet IP address.)

I look forward with enthusiasm to the reduction in spam bandwidth consumption that’ll occur when we all start getting tiny little messages that just say “%NIGERIAN_SCAM” or “%DICK_PILLS” or “%BUY_SOME_STOCK” rather than the informationally equivalent uncompressed versions.

I presume that almost all of you dorks will, without my prompting, read the latest PA and its newspost.

For the benefit of the three of you who would not otherwise have done so (and who would therefore have missed out on the word “shitwizards”, which I feel obliged to state at this juncture is not only an obviously marvellous name for a rock band but will, I suspect, now become at the very least a nerd sub-meme, you see if I’m wrong), I was startled to see Tycho’s Doritos ad concepts.

I found them startling because they were advertisements which did not fill me with the urge to punch the face of the person responsible.

OK, the third one has a certain distasteful Nike-ish swagger, and the second one sounds too much like the work of Ray Smuckles to be considered on its own merits.

But the first one?

I’d seriously consider buying that chip.

Yes, I’ve been drinking.

What?

You got a problem? You wanna fight about it?

OK, you guys go and fight about it, then. I’ll stay here and maybe watch a Supreme Commander replay.

This is the Slashdot thread about a not-terribly-good example of the Gee, Isn’t It Funny That Crappy Computers Used To Cost A Lot Of Money genre of article.

The Slashdot thread contains, as is often the case, pointers to some rather more entertaining stuff.

Like this.

This ad, and two more like it, ran from 1979 to 1980 if somewhat flaky online sources are to be believed. If those dates are right then Tom Baker took the Prime’s advice; he married Lalla Ward in 1981.

And then divorced her sixteen months later.

Lalla’s been married to Richard Dawkins since 1992, a development which the Prime apparently did not foresee. 1992 was also the year in which Prime Computer ceased trading.

Another of the Prime ads:

Doctor Who had, of course, postulated far more impressive computers than this on numerous occasions, so Tom’s trademark enthusiasm was in this case difficult to justify.

In another piece of nerd synchronicity, the vast master computer system on Gallifrey was called The Matrix.

To be fair, Sputtr does look like a pretty good way to introduce your grandma to all of the nifty stuff there is out there on the Web.

“Check it out, Gran! Just type “crochet” and click one of the buttons!”

Metafilter is really not the best place to post about a site like this, though.

They’ll make fun.

(And they’re more about this sort of thing, anyway.)