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April 20, 2010

"...but some elves came and helped them, WHO WEREN'T EVEN IN THE BOOK..."

Filed under: Nerdery, Humour, Music

Martin Pearson’s The Unfinished Spelling Errors of Bolkien is very funny, very clever, and very hard to find.

[UPDATE: Martin says it’s OK to download it for free!]


(MP3)

It’s a two-hour, two-CD, filk-infested one-man comedy show about of The Lord of the Rings - both the book and the film versions.


(MP3)

Even if you don’t usually like those The Fiftieth Time Some Dude Put Stuff About Elves And Cthulhu To The Tune Of “Jailhouse Rock” sorts of songs, I assure you that you are going to have a very hard time not finding Bolkien funny. C’mon, the guy actually sings the Black Speech inscription on the One Ring to the tune of “King of the Road”.


(MP3)

The total length of the double CD, not counting six minutes of out-takes at the end, is about 115 minutes. And there are a lot of songs in it, but there’s a lot of talking too.


(MP3)

The Bolkien CDs were recorded with a live audience, which is of course essential for this sort of thing. There are also not many of those annoying comedy-record moments when everybody laughs, but you don’t know why, because it’s a visual joke and you don’t have video.

(There are a few videos of Pearson on YouTube, by the way.)

There are also only a couple of jokes that you won’t get if you’re not Australian.


(MP3)

Honestly, half of the world’s English-speaking nerds should have a copy of this.

But they don’t, on account of how it’s not very easy to buy it.

Bolkien is listed here and there on podunk online CD stores (Pearson also has his own Web site, which is currently somewhat unfinished). The only online store I could find that even claims to have Bolkien available for sale, though, is Ducks Crossing, where the double CD costs a handsome $AU40 plus $AU6 delivery in Australia, or $AU12 to the USA. They do at least accept credit cards and currency-convert the total price, though, so US customers will pay a total of a mere $US48.36, delivered, for the double CD.

Which is, of course, a bit on the bleeding steep side.

Apparently you’re also meant to be able to buy the CD through 7th Dimension Music. But for months now there’s been nothing in that site’s shop, and the product page for Bolkien has, for lo these many months, been a database error. Some of his previous stuff used to be on this site, too, but now it’s broken as well. It’s all very depressing.

So I e-mailed Mr Pearson (pearsonmartinXX@XXhotmail.com, without the XXs) and informed him of the large number of people who would like to give him money, if only the CDs were available at a reasonable price. I also asked whether he’d considered opening the money-tap rather wider by letting people pay for downloadable MP3s.

Martin said that if people want to buy the CD, they can e-mail him. And maybe mail him a cheque, so he can put it on a wooden table and take a picture of it, et cetera.

It struck me that buying CDs by e-mailing the artist personally is not necessarily a completely optimal e-business paradigm. I suggested he try out a sell-your-files service like (to pick a random, presumably-honest example) PayLoadz, or of course CD Baby, who sell physical CDs, and can also put artists’ MP3s up on iTunes and Amazon and so on. (This is CD Baby’s “Artist Sign Up” section.) But he didn’t go for it.

So allow me to postulate a hypothetical situation.

Suppose, hypothetically, that someone were to illegally download The Unfinished Spelling Errors of Bolkien, from one of those intarweb bit-waterfall things that the kids are so enthusiastic about. Beats me how you’d find it, but perhaps some cunning search string featuring Martin’s name, or just the word “Bolkien”, might do it.

If that someone decided they liked it, they could go on to send a few bucks to Mr Pearson via PayPal. (Once again, that’s pearsonmartinXX@XXhotmail.com, without the XXs.)

Martin doesn’t have a PayPal account either, but I think he may be persuaded to get one if a thousand bucks pile up waiting for him.

UPDATE: Martin Pearson his own bad self showed up in the comments below, and officially gave free BitTorrent distribution of Bolkien his blessing.

So here’s the torrent, people! Remember to PayPal Martin, pearsonmartin@hotmail.com, a buck or three if you like it!

(Alternative torrent link. This is the magnet URI.)

April 6, 2010

Would you believe... superconductors?

Filed under: Electricity, Science, Scams

A reader writes:

Can you do some research on this amazing device, which claims to be a superconductor. Is it for real? If so it is the most advanced scientific device on the market.

Company: KESECO
Device: ULTRA Current Improvement System
This claims not to be Power factor correction, rather it is a superconductor!

It has relevant patents and scientific explanations. I am having a hard time discrediting this, maybe it is for real
Check it out Dan:

www.Keseco.com
www.Enerwise.com.au

Andrew

Keseco do seem to be using some words having to do with superconductivity, don't they?

They go on to talk about "rotating electromagnetic waves" being converted to and from "far infrared", and the "crystal structure" of the wire. This is all far too advanced for little old me.

(I bet it does wonders for air and musicality, though.)

OK, yes, superconductivity would save power, if you replaced all of the transmission wires with superconductors (as is, very occasionally, actually done). But whatever Keseco say they're doing, that isn't it. Their gadget connects in parallel with your existing wiring.

(Even if you could magically turn all of the conductors in your home into superconductors, while simultaneously sprinkling everything with the pixie dust it'd need in order to still work with zero conductor resistance, you'd save only a tiny amount. Where electricity is lost as heat in the home, it's almost all meant to be lost as heat, either directly as in a toaster, or indirectly in the course of causing some motor, CPU or loudspeaker to work.)

Oh, and no superconductor yet discovered operates at a temperature above -138 degrees Celsius.

But I'm sure these minor quibbles are all thoroughly dealt with somewhere in Keseco's complicated explanations.

The Keseco devices may have an unusual theory of operation - whatever it is - but in appearance and installation they're pretty standard magic energy savers. You just connect the Keseco device in parallel with your existing wiring in the breaker box, and that's it. Whatever it does, it does it to any combination of devices inside the building, without necessarily even being in there itself, much less being electrically coupled or configured to them in any readily apparent way.

Never mind that, though; you can't argue with success. And Keseco's devices are very successful. Just ask them!

Don't ask anyone actually in the electrical-device-analysis business, though. As is usually the case with these sorts of devices, Keseco does not appear to be in any hurry to do any independent tests of their power-saving claims. Neither are these Enerwise people here in Australia, as far as I can see. The Enerwise site uses terms like "proven" and "the results are in!", but the actual evidence is just the usual wall of testimonials. (I eagerly await the publication of Enerwise's "Big Book Of Brag"! Surely that will be where we'll find the long-awaited independent controlled tests!)

Keseco-slash-Enerwise have, of course, apparently been on the news. And as we all know, they won't let you say something on TV unless it's true.

But wait - Keseco's "Certificate" section has an actual "Test Report"! It's reproduced so small as to be almost illegible, but I managed to decipher it!

It's a RoHS test, that certifies that the Keseco products pass poisonous-chemicals tests. Not that they work.

And then, also in the Certificate second, there's some more paperwork, but in Korean.

(This also seems to be par for the course in the miracle-energy-product world. If there are tests, they'll often be from labs in far-flung parts of the world where they don't speak English, even though they're being used to support claims made for products that're sold in English-speaking countries. Even energy-saver companies that are based in English-speaking countries sometimes, somehow, manage to do this.)

For the squinting-and-translating-Korean convenience of my readers, here are direct links to the largest images available from the Keseco "Test Report" page:

page 1
page 2
page 3
page 4
page 5
page 6
page 7
page 8
page 9
page 10
page 11
page 12

In among the Hangul there's what that looks like a statement that... something... used two-point-something per cent less power after... something else happened. But I'm not sure.

None of it seems in any way connected to Keseco's "guarantee" of a 5% power saving.

The "Performance Report" on keseco.com makes bolder claims, and is another entirely typical document for this sort of outfit. Bare numbers, no info on how the test was controlled, and further silence on the all-important question of whether the tester was on the Keseco payroll or not.

This sort of proof-by-assertion is standard for makers of energy savers, magical mileage-improving fuel additives, magnetic anti-arthritis bracelets, ultrasonic pest repellers, literally-magic "money magnets" and so on. There are hundreds - heck, probably thousands - of companies of this sort, big and professional enough to put together a sales package like Keseco's. But even when these companies manage to get large amounts of money from canny investors, they never, ever do the proper tests that would let them actually prove their claims and take the giant step up to their rightful place high up the Fortune 500 list. Instead, they sell (or attempt to sell) their products one at a time, direct to consumers whose own standards of evidence are satisfied by the testimonials presented.

(Often, there's a hybrid middle level between the company-that-should-do-some-proper-tests and the gullible consumers. That level is occupied by the gullible distributor, who liked the product so much he bought a franchise, but who has not yet realised that there's no good reason to suppose the product really does work.)

Keseco's PDF catalogue, and their "Products info" page, also cheerfully claim "Preventing Harmful Electromagnetic Waves" as a feature of their system. I suppose that means your microwave stops working, too. If mobile phones, by some freak chance, do turn out to be bad for you, I suppose your Keseco box will also suck up all of their emissions.

The site and catalogue also say the Keseco boxes "prevent" static electricity. Somehow. Somewhere. And then the catalogue has a picture of what looks like a molecular model of DNA, and then something about Fermi energy. I'd have been completely convinced if only they'd worked in Bose-Einstein condensates and particles with imaginary mass.

The Keseco catalogue also has a number of examples of another standard marker for this sort of business, Irrelevant Certifications Offered As If They Have Something To Do With Whether The Product Works.

There's a Korean patent! A registered design! A trademark! A corporate insurance policy of some sort! Alleged CMA, CE, ANCE, ISO 9001 and RoHS conformance! None of which means the product bloody works!

(Just to make this clear one more time, because it comes up so very, very, VERY often: The Patent Offices in various countries make no attempt whatsoever to determine whether an idea presented for patenting is actually good for anything at all. You don't even have to provide a working model. There's usually some basic screening to keep out blatant perpetual-motion devices {possibly with a caveat that you can patent such a device, but only if you do bring a working model!}, but that's all. All the patent office cares about is whether the idea is sufficiently different from other things that already exist to be worthy of a patent - and most patent offices are so overworked these days that they don't even do this very well. So despite what thousands of crackpots and swindlers have claimed over lo, these many, many years, there is no connection whatsoever between patentability and functionality.)

I remind you, gentle reader, that all of the wonderful effects Keseco products are supposed to cause are, somehow, created by a box that you just stick in or near the building's breaker box, and wire in parallel with the building's circuits. Whatever those circuits are, and whatever business you're in. It would be entirely churlish to suggest that this is analogous to making a "water saver" that hangs off a T-fitting next to your water meter, thereby impeding or encouraging the water's flow in no way at all. So I won't do that.

I suggest, Andrew, that you just put up with your present electricity bill for another year. By then, either Keseco will be a household name, one of the most profitable corporations in the world, with Nobel Prizes in the pipeline for their engineers... or they'll still be grubbing around with all the other retail sellers of worthless "power saving" talismans.

But oh, dear - the proudly-displayed accreditations in Keseco's catalogue go all the way back to 2004! The site itself has been around since 2002!

(It used to have an awesome flash intro.)

And yet still, no Keseco boxes in every electrical substation. No Keseco boxes the size of Winnebagos hanging off the side of every aluminium smelter. No Nobel Prizes.

I just can't work it out.

April 4, 2010

Look upon my Lego gearbox, ye mighty, and despair!

Filed under: Hacks, Nerdery, Toys

OK, so you've got your Lego automatic transmissions, and they're pretty awesome. And there are a number of Lego continuously-variable transmissions, some of elegantly simple design, and those are impressive too.

And then somebody comes along and makes a seven-speed-plus-reverse sequential Lego gearbox, and puts it in a fully remote-controlled Lego Veyron.

With, of course, working steering, engine pistons, disc brakes...

Oh, and it's the targa-top version of the Veyron too, just to pack another darn mechanism in there.

Like someone whose unsettling dreams about becoming the world's greatest badass have been dissipated by an encounter with Raven, all of the rest of us are now under no pressure at all for high achievement in Lego engineering.

(The gearbox is only an expanded and improved version of the 8448 gearbox, mind you, so clearly this is not really that much of a big deal. Also, I think you'll find that Mount Rushmore isn't actually a very large mountain.)

April 3, 2010

When cat toys are outlawed, only outlaws will have cat toys

A reader writes:

I’ve got a couple of cats, had ‘em for a couple of years. I have trouble motivating them to chase their toys, ping pong balls, etc - it works once or twice a week, but otherwise they just ignore it. So I’ve decided to bring out the big guns and get a laser pointer.

It seems they’re much harder to get in Australia since all those airplane shenanigans, even though I hardly need a galactic-range pointer.

Was wondering if you had a suggestions for where to nab a laser pointer appropriate for kitteh?

Jack

It’s still pretty easy to buy your basic button-cell keychain laser pointer from electronics stores here in Australia. I think there might have been a brief drought when the new Think Of The Children Or The Pilots Or the Puppies Or Something OMG JUST BE AFRAID EVERYONE law was passed, while the stores made sure that the humble cat toys they were selling yesterday hadn’t suddenly been transmuted into illegal death rays.

But basic laser pointers are easy to find now. Here’s one at Altronics, here’s one at Jaycar (Jaycar have several other options, too).

[There are cheaper pointers on eBay, from sellers who at least say they’re in Australia, which means they shouldn’t be sending your purchase through Australian Customs to be confiscated by our ever-vigilant protectors. People may still be selling cheap pointers at the markets, too. If you believe price equals quality, on the other hand, note that the writhing transporter-accident creature that absorbed both Dick Smith Electronics and Tandy (Radio Shack) in Australia will be pleased to sell you a keychain pointer for $36.98 - at “DSE” here and at “Tandy” here!]

Altronics and Jaycar both want $AU14.95 for a bloody keychain pointer, which is of course a frankly insulting price. For little more than twice that much at current exchange rates a nice man in China will sell you a whole non-contact infrared thermometer, that incorporates an aiming laser. But which I’m sure will whistle through Australian Customs, just like all of the “laser-guided” circular saws, ultrasonic distance measurers, scissors, et cetera.

I chose not to choose a $15 keychain laser. I chose something else.

Home-made laser pointer

This prison-shiv of a laser pointer…

Home-made laser pointer

…took a lot longer to photograph than it did to make.

It’s pleasingly bright at around 25mA current - much brighter than your standard button-cell cheapie, but not bright enough to pose any real eye hazard. It has an egg-like shape that feels good in the right hand, with a nice clicky steel switch-bar under the thumb. It has adjustable focus, so you can widen the light out into a splodge of quantum speckle at will. And it had a total parts cost about the same as the abovementioned stupidly-expensive keychain lasers. You could easily make something similar for less than $10, including the two AA batteries.

(It’s quite hard to find laser pointers that take AA batteries, these days. Those little button-cell pointers are churned out by the zillion, and many pen-shaped pointers use a couple of AAAs - but if you want the substantially higher capacity-per-dollar of AA power, I think you may have to assemble your own pointer. Or, at least, hack bigger batteries onto a smaller pointer.)

The key component in a do-it-yourself laser pointer is a laser diode, lens and heat-sink assembly - commonly referred to as a laser “module”, or “package”.

Well, that’s the key component unless your DIY ethic requires you to build the module from scratch, as well.

(The state of the DIY art has not, to my knowledge, yet reached actual home-made laser diodes. It’s surprisingly easy to make your own very dim LED, though!)

There’s no financial reason to build your own laser module, because you can buy ready-built modules in various shapes and sizes - even in colours other than red - startlingly inexpensively on eBay, or from dealers like DealExtreme. And no, Australian Customs won’t confiscate your laser module, either - or, at least, they didn’t confiscate any of mine.

Because, like an IR thermometer, a laser module is demonstrably not a laser pointer. And it is laser pointers that are illegal here, don’t you know.

(I haven’t tried importing a genuinely dangerous high-powered laser module, of the type used in hefty laser “pointers” that were already illegal in Australia before the current ridiculous laws went through. I would make a small wager that you would have no trouble importing such a module at all, though. But don’t worry - as we all know, those scary domestic terrorists who we keep being warned about, but who mysteriously never seem to actually commit any acts of terrorism, must be so impotent on account of how they are too dumb to figure out how to connect a multi-watt invisible-beam IR laser module - you know, a laser that’s actually dangerous - to a battery.

Ahem.

The question for the non-terroristic cat-toy maker is which of the (very) numerous cheap red laser modules will actually suit your purpose. I am happy to announce that I’ve done the legwork for you, here, for DealExtreme’s range at least. I bought a few of their finest, cheapest red laser modules, and this one, yours for a princely four US dollars and six cents delivered to anywhere in the world, is the one you want.

It’s got a nice big sturdy heat-sinking case, it’s usefully, though not dangerously, bright from modest power, and it’s got the abovementioned adjustable collimating lens, too.

The other components of a DIY laser pointer:

1: Batteries. Two AA alkalines, in this case; feel free to use some other combination if you like. (Three D cells would give you outrageously long run time.)

The batteries you choose determine which…

2: …resistor you should use in series with the laser module.

Laser diodes, like their older relatives, the LEDs, need some kind of current limiting to prevent them from going into thermal runaway and dying very quickly. Inline resistors are usually the simplest option.

I found that the four-dollar DealExtreme module ran nicely, but not excessively, brightly from two AAs through three 91-ohm resistors in parallel, for an aggregate 30.3 ohms. I couldn’t find a roughly-30-ohm resistor for the final assembly, so I used a couple of 16s in series. Small laser diodes draw only tens of milliamps, so little quarter-watt resistors are more than good enough.

If you buy some other laser module, don’t just trust the “2-4.5V” or whatever that was listed on the eBay auction, hook it up to two AAs, and kill it. You’ll need to put a multimeter in milliamps mode - which, remember, has a little resistance of its own - in series with the module and fiddle with batteries and, initially, larger resistance values, to find a suitable value. (That’s how I ended up with three 91s in parallel - I started with one 91-ohm, which gave a very dim beam, then put another one in parallel, et cetera.)

The quick and dirty way to figure this stuff out for a laser module of unknown provenance is by starting with resistor values that’re clearly much too high - by themselves, across the power supply, they’ll let much less than the module’s rated current flow - or by using a bench power supply that lets you limit voltage and current. Then you reduce the resistor value (or gingerly wind up the current knob) until the dot stops getting noticeably brighter. Wind it back a bit from that point and you should have a safe value. Or just stop when the dot’s still getting brighter with more current, if it’s already bright enough for your purpose.

Or you can, of course, sidestep all of this and just buy that DX module, and run it from two series 1.5-volt cells and about 30 ohms.

3: A battery holder. Little black plastic holders like the one I used are almost free on eBay, or you can bodge something up yourself. (Thumb-tacks make good battery contacts, by the way.)

4: A switch. I used a microswitch I had sitting around, which gives a pleasing tactile feel. Any old switch will do, though. Momentary, like my microswitch, if you want the usual hold-down-the-button kind of laser pointer, or standard “unbiased” if you want a pointer that stays on by itself.

(For about the same almost-free price as a black plastic AA-battery holders, you can get a black plastic AA-battery holder with an unbiased switch built in.)

5: Stuff to hold it all together. Solder and glue, for a more professional result; tape and positive thoughts, for a less professional one.

The weird organic-looking white stuff on my pointer is a couple of blobs of polycaprolactone plastic, about which I must digress, because it’s brilliant stuff.

At room temperature, polycaprolactone is a tough white plastic, like nylon. But above about 60°C it becomes a pliable, bouncy, transparent putty-like material.

Polycaprolactone is transparent when it's hot

(This is the laser assembly before the second blob of polycaprolactone had fully cooled. It’d be fun if it stayed like that, but you can’t have everything.)

You take polycaprolactone granules, and you put them in boiling water, and they turn clear and stick to each other. Just stirring the growing blob around a bit will pick up any loose pellets. Then you fish the spongy blob out and squeeze the hot water out (a slightly painful procedure), and then form the blob to suit your task, usually by just sticking it onto something and squeezing it into shape. Hot polycaprolactone sticks well to all sorts of surfaces, but not so well that you can’t peel it off if you make a mistake. And you won’t get scalded while doing this, because unlike water, the plastic is lousy at transferring heat to your fingers.

(If you heat polycaprolactone above 100°C, by, for instance, microwaving it instead of putting it in water, it apparently becomes a lot stickier, as well as much more able to burn you. So you might want to leave those higher temperatures to the rapid fabricators. I needed to smooth a little bit of my polycaprolactone blobs, so I wafted a small butane flame past the plastic. But then I smoothed it over with a damp screwdriver, instead of my finger.)

As polycaprolactone cools, it clouds up and stiffens, but does not appreciably shrink. If you haven’t gotten your new plastic part shaped right before this happens, just pop it back in the water to re-soften. It’s easier to re-shape polycaprolactone than it is to shape it in the first place, because there’s less water to squeeze out. You can re-heat the plastic as many times as you like, too, and any excess can go back in the bag for later.

Polycaprolactone in the molecular weights that make it behave in this useful way is manufactured in vast quantities by at least two companies, Solvay and Dow Chemical. Which is great to know if you need a ton of the stuff, but not so much if you just want to replace a missing knob on a radio. (That was my first polycaprolactone project. It worked beautifully.)

Other companies repackage polycaprolactone in smaller quantities at large markups. “Polymorph“, “ShapeLock” and “Friendly Plastic” are all polycaprolactone. The first two are very much the same; Friendly Plastic comes in a white-pellets version too, but is also available in a wide range of more-expensive coloured versions. You can colour polycaprolactone yourself, but if you need even, repeatable hues and/or metallic effects, and you don’t need a huge amount of the stuff, then you’d probably do better just buying Friendly Plastic.

(The bone-white version is of course preferable, if you want to make creepy biomechanical thingummies.)

If you’re in Australia and you just want to see what polycaprolactone is like, get yourself a hundred grams of “Polymorph” from Jaycar for $AU11.50. (Plus delivery, if you buy it online rather than over the counter.) That may go a surprisingly long way; I didn’t weigh the Polymorph that went into my laser pointer, but judging by volume it was probably no more than 25 grams.

If you’re in the States, there are lots of retail polycaprolactone sources. Try the Maker Shed.

If you’re outside the States and want a larger, but not vast, amount of the stuff, many companies stand ready to rip you off.

You can place an international order at Shapelock.com and pay for it, with a pleasingly low shipping fee - and then they’ll refund your money, because they don’t actually ship overseas. And then they’ll tell you to order from Jameco instead. Jameco’s international shipping fees aren’t mentioned on their site; you can place an order and give your payment info and wait for the delightful surprise, or you can e-mail them, whereupon they will inform you that their cheapest price to send a $US24.95 half-kilo of Shapelock to Australia is $US39.

Sorry. Just had to get that out of my system.

OK, here’s how people outside the States - and possibly inside, actually, depending on how all the prices shake out - can buy polycaprolactone at a non-stupid price. Go to this eBay dealer in the UK (on ebay.com, on ebay.co.uk), who’s currently on holiday until the 8th and has invisibilised their auctions, but will actually still let you place an order via this listing. They’ll sell you 500 grams of Polymorph-branded polycaprolactone for £9.50 plus quite reasonable delivery, with a microscopic discount for multiple half-kilos.

[UPDATE: As pointed out in the comments below, that eBay dealer has a separate Web site too, from which you can download a great PDF about what you can do with Polymorph.]

To make sure I get my order in before all of y’all, I just ordered a key, man, for a total of £32.75 delivered to Australia. That’s about $AU54.20, or $US49.80, as I write this.

A kilogram of polycaprolactone is quite a lot - especially when you consider the near-infinite reuseability of the stuff. Unless I suddenly start building sizeable structures, I don’t anticipate having to buy any more for some years.

Jaycar offer discounts for bulk purchase, but a kilogram of Polymorph from them is still $AU89.50 ex delivery. So the eBayer in the UK looks like a good deal.

Hm. This post started out being about making a laser, and ended up about making freeform plastic bones. Eh - it’ll do.

Do feel free to discuss either subject in the comments!

This blog is now located at howtospotapsychopath.com!